How to: Conquer your Baby Fever

I am becoming very close to becoming an expert on baby fever lately. You might want to know, if I want a baby so badly then why don't I have one? There isn't a multi-list, complicated reason why my husband and I have not procreated yet. There is a simple, one-bullet answer which is that my husband says he's "not ready". Yes, it is all his fault that my longing for children is not fulfilled. Everyone point the finger at him and give him dirty looks. Maybe guilt will work?

I wanted to share with you that may be cursed with baby fever, a list of things that you should avoid.

1. First thing is first, get off Etsy. Get off of Etsy, Babies-R-Us, Target Baby, Faith Baby, Marshmallow Kisses and every other website devoted to taunting you with the cuteness that is baby stuff. It will only make things worse, much worse.

2. Stop reading mommy blogs. What is worse than looking at adorable baby accessories you can buy, is reading about all the women that actually have the stuff. You get to read the details of their lives, how much they love their babies, how funny they are, how they make the silliest face when they have gas, how they are SO GLAD THEY AREN'T YOU. You also definitely do NOT want to take a peak at mommy blogger Rebecca Woolf's daughter, Fable. No, definitely do not do that.
3. Cancel your cable. If you skim through the TV channels you are bound to find a show that will put you smack dab in the middle of someone else's pregnancy or delivery. Now instead of looking at pictures or reading about other people's lives you get to transport your body directly into their living room. Then when the episode is over, they go on with their lives and you go back to yours. Only they get to keep the baby.

4. Stay away from other people's babies. This may sound confusing because most people will tell you to be around babies as much as possible in an effort for you to witness a fit or a dirty diaper or something equally annoying. They think those things will deter us. Ha! If you truly have The Fever, these things actually intensify your desire. If that sentence didn't make sense to you then you don't have baby fever. If you related to that sentence then I'm sorry, you are very ill. Just like me.

There is really only one way to get rid of baby fever: a big dose of pregnancy. So ladies, throw away your birth control, poke holes in your husbands* condoms and have a lot. of. sex. Lots. Until you get your BFP stay away from all of the above listed "triggers".

*Notice I said husband. Which means this advice is for women in monogamous relationships, not high school girls that think pink bows are cute.